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Sex ed in US public schools isn’t regulated by the federal government, and the resulting patchwork of curricula is a de-standardized mess.

Nineteen states require sex educators to teach that sex should only happen after marriage.

(That’s not to say there aren’t a few good models out there for those who seek them out.

) are perfectly capable of understanding social cues, even ones where someone is saying “no” without using that actual word.

The two men on bicycles in Palo Alto were Swedes, raised in a country that teaches healthy attitudes toward sexuality and gender in school, starting in kindergarten, including lessons on not just biology but healthy relationships, destigmatizing taboos around sex, and, yes, affirmative consent.

They knew that a woman who is lying still and not participating in sex is a woman who isn’t consenting. Affirmative consent, when taught well, also removes heteronormative assumptions from sex ed.

Their distress demonstrates why we so badly need to change the way we think about sex — and why people who don’t actively pay attention to their partner’s needs in the bedroom risk violating them.

The collective anguish of all these women has been haunting me this week in the wake of the publication of a piece about one woman’s evening with Aziz Ansari, which ended, she says, with him repeatedly disregarding her verbal and nonverbal boundaries as he pursued his own sexual agenda.

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